| Its been a while. |
[ |
04 March 2008 @ 11:03 AM
| ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
So Its been a while since I've last wrote an entry. Its been a very LONG while actually. I dont normally find myself writting on here or anyother blogging/journaling site. Theres a kind of release of pressure from the thoughts wheighing you down, so I figured i might as well.
My parents decided not to move. It would be next to impossible to sell the house in the amount of time they need and for the money they need so they decided just to stay. I feel bad for them because its like they are giving up on their dreams of retirement. Unfortunately I still have a deadline on when i need to be out of the house and that is in july. Im pretty stressed about it, Im poor and have a shitty job at taco bell still, no money saved up and not a clue of where i want to go to school or who and where id move with.
We just found out that our dog Dozer has major problems with his hips and low back. The doctors say theres nothing we can do to stop whats happening except give him alot of painkillers. Its so sad to see him lying around the house miserable, too afraid to stand up cuz he could fall. We are going to have to put him down sometime within the year depending on how bad it gets. Sometimes i just lay there on the floor with him so that he wont be soo lonely and sometimes even fall asleep with him. Its going to be hard to see him go.
Then theres you. I find myself thinking of what could have been, why it ended last, where we'd be now if it didnt end. You are in my thoughts daily and your right, I do hear certain songs and see certain people that make me think of you and realize what I lost. And I do care, more than you think. Not that im trying to make excuses for myself and my stupid behavior, but the root of the problems you had with me come from me being afriad of commitment. Its hard to admit to but its something ive noticed in myself recently. Its the reason I was in NJROTC, swimming, gymnastics, soccer, and basketball all only for a year or short season. I have a tendency to start things and then suddenly stop them abbruptly and then instead of facing the issue i avoid it and run away with what seems to be a carefree attitude. But each and every time I wind up kicking myself in the ass because i wish i would have stayed in whatever it was. I find myself here once again, kicking myself in the ass, wishing there was a way i could go back and not fuck it up. Unfortunately though I cant do timetravel. So ill just keep trying and hoping that maybe youll give me another chance to prove myself. A chance I know I dont deserve. Only this time I dont want to leave kicking myself in the ass.
|
|
|
| Valentines Day |
[ |
14 February 2007 @ 10:02 PM
| ] |
|
Normally I HATE Valentines Day! They always suck for me. I never get anythign special or meaningful and I never have a valentine. This Valentines Day was different though. It was the best V-day ive ever had and im estatic. I was at work cleaning lobby when I look up and see him walk in and smile at me, my heart jumped to my throat. I began to wonder why he was there, all he ordered was a drink, His friends last day was saturday. Was he really there to see me? It was true, he did come to see me. We talked a little as I slept the lobby. I was pretty nervous for some reason and felt like I kept making mistakes. He asked me if I had a break and unfortunately I had already taken it. His friend came up a little later and he talked to her while I finished the lobby. Ten o'clock came much to fast and it was timre for me to leave. I said goodbye as I walked out the door. I was content I got to see him. Then when I got home I changed and got on the computer when the phone rang, I looked and it was his number. My heart jumped and I answered he told me he was outside of my bedroom window. My heart was in my throat now and I told him id meet him outside. I went outside to find him leaning against my window with a rose!!! Everybody say, "AWWWWWWWW!" There you go. lol I gave him a hug and we talke for a little then i walked him back to his car and as I was about to leave he leaned in and kissed me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Thats what was going through my head. lol So my Valentines Day was awesome! Thank you so much!!! Now I have all these thoughts going through my mind. Gah. Happy Valentines day everyone!
|
|
|
| Its been a while. |
[ |
11 February 2007 @ 9:02 AM
| ] |
Wow, Its been forever since Ive posted something on here. Its been months. Well right now im pretty bored so I decided to update my LJ. Excitig huh? Lately Ive been working alot which isnt bad because I need the hours and the money so Im not really complaining. I like working there so far its pretty cool. I just want to be able to do everything I need to without having to ask questions and stuff, like what comes on a Gordita. Moving on... Recently at school we had the Directing class one act auditions which was pretty fun seeing as Im a director this year. The castng process wasnt so fun though. We all sat around a big table and fought and traded people and argued fairness. Its not such a pretty sight. Im looking forward to directing my one act and seeing how it turns out. Im also looking forward to getting my car on the road and actually being able to drive it. I cant wait! Now that I have my job hopefully I can save up a little to make a down payment on my insurance and start driving. Ill be all over the place.
Theres been alot of stuff/people on my mind lately. Just recently these thoughts have progressed and have become more common. Im sick of the same old thing day after day. I just feel bored with life right now. Nothing new has really happened, well nothing all that exciting anyway. I just want something good to happen and mix things up a little. Im sick of everything being the same.
This past week Ive been doing alot of thinking and searching myself for answers to questions I couldnt answer to myself. Questions that havnt bothered me until now. Ive found alot of my answers and I realize how incredibly dumb I truly was. Does it make sense to start something and subconciously know youll give up on it? Whats the point right? I wish I could have answered that when I needed to. Now its too late. There are so many things in my head I wish I could say but I dont know how to say it. If only you could read my mind. "Im sorry," those two words are always used so meaningless now days. People say it without heart just to make someone else happy. I wish there was a way to say "Im sorry" without it sounding meaningless and empty. I just wish I wasnt so stupid. At least Ive learned.
|
|
|
| Stupid me... |
[ |
26 July 2006 @ 10:07 AM
| ] |
|
In the last entry i told you all about my boyfriend who i broke up with a little bit ago and the boy that i like muy mucho! I also told you id keep you posted as to whats going on. Well when the boy got back form new york we hung out this last monday and went to the river with our lovely friend daniella. The river was alot of fun and i got to see my crush without his shirt, to most people its prolly nothing all that special. its kinda hairy and thin, but idk i like it. its sexy! anyway enough about that... After the river we went to daniellas to eat some ice cream and watch a movie. After that he dropped me off at my house. I wanted to give him a hug but he was in the car and idk im stupid. So anyway the next day we went to the mall with a bunch of friends and it was alot of fun. there was some flirting going on. On the way home from the mall is when he suprised me. we were driving int he car listening to music and i was just looking out the window when all of a sudden i feel a nice warm soft hand grab mine i look down and i realize he took my hand and held it. So now we are holding hands int he car and in my head im screaming..."OMG i cant believe this holy crap!!! AHHHH YAAAYYY!!!" and i just got all happy and stuff. so then we dropped our firend Joy off at her house and then went to his house to hang out. we watched family guy. nothing happened dont worry. After that he drove me home and and i wanted to give him a hug and then maybe a kiss, BUT my brother and his friends were outside so i was like DAMNIT! so we didnt and i was like ugh i should have at least hugged him grr so stupid. so that was stupid of me. So then this morning me and him went jogging early on the suncoast trail. it was exhilirating and sweaty, and tiring. We drove around for a bit holding hands again. =)then he pulled up to my house and i gave him a hug and then we kinda looked at eachother and there was a slight pause and i was just like..."alright well ill talk to you online then" and then i got out!!!!!STUPID STUPID STUPID! lol ugh well there will be more oppurtunities. I just get soo nervous and scared and ahhhh idk! I chicken out! Im such a pussy i swear. lol so anyway thats all for now ill keep you updated as it progresses! Im hoping this will progress!
|
|
|
| Current Stuff On My Mind. |
[ |
21 July 2006 @ 9:07 PM
| ] |
|
Ok so alot has been going on lately. To start with i just recently had a boyfriend who i must say was amazing. Like any relationship there was some problems. The main problem being distance, he lives in tampa and i live in springhill. Doesnt sound like far does it? Well it is was for us because neither of us had a car so transportation was rough. We didnt get to see eachother very often. I think because of the distance between us a new problem developed. Since i never really saw him i started to grow away from him. So far away that i started to like another boy. Slowly I started to like the boy more and more and my actual boyfriend less and less. I realized that its not fair to either person to be playing them the way i was. The boy i liked by flirting with him and being a tease while i wasnt available, and to my boyfriend by leading him on thinking everything is fine and not telling him i liked soemone. So i decided i should break up with my boyfriend because i didnt like him all that much anymore and thats bad. The only bad thing is that i didnt want him to think that i broke up with him for another person. Which i have to admit was kinda true. So now that i am single i want this other guy really bad! He is amazing, funny, handsome, smart, cool, awesome, fun to be with, just everything i like basically. I think about him all the time non stop and its pretty pathetic but i cant help it. I just hope that something between us will happen because he is amazing, even though sometimes i feel like i dont deserve a guy so great. But all i can do is be patient and hope the guy i like feels the same way. Ill let you know what happens when anything happens and if anything happens. Ill keep you posted.
|
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
well_hmmm's journal